22 IS THE END

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

2009-05-15T18:46:00.000-04:00

FACEBOOK FRISKED

2009-05-15T18:43:00.003-04:00

3 DAYS AWAY, SISTA

2009-04-17T08:50:00.001-04:00

BETTER ABS THROUGH NEO-NAZISM

2009-04-16T16:23:00.002-04:00

Thanks, Facebook. Always a pleasure.

I'M NOT BITING THE BAIT UNLESS YOU BUY ME A DRINK FIRST, PROGRESSIVE

2009-04-16T01:01:00.003-04:00

World of Wonder Productions has one of the best blogs on the internet. It smashes pop culture, art, gay politics, and television in one medium. Granted, some of their pop culture musings are a little bit five minutes behind but, what they contribute to the television world, forgives them all interweb faux pas.

One thing I've noticed over the past week of perusing the blog (praying they'll post an entry for an office man servant), is a really peculiar Progressive Insurance ad of two old timey men posed for a portrait together. At first I was like "AWWW CUTE OUR FAGGY FOREFATHERS." But when you follow the ad, you don't really get anything, really: you get a small blurb about how Progressive is progressive and L-O-V-E-S gays. Powerful.

I was all like "BRB SWITCHING FROM USAA TO PROGRESSIVE TO GET MY GAY ON." But, when I requested the quote, I received a grossly exaggerated insurance quote and was greatly appalled. I'm sorry, support gays all you want, but this poor gay gotta save his pennies for better things.

That being said, Progressive, I have to tell you one thing: if you wanna be my insurer, you gotta please my dividends--make your prices lower and the gays will be your friends.

_____ IS THE END: WWW.BESTWEEKEVER.TV

2009-04-14T23:25:00.000-04:00

It's official: BestWeekEver.TV is over.

For a long time, Kristen and I were BWE.TV frequenters who salivated, waiting for every new post. We anxiously awaited the new Celebrity Math, Conversations with Winehouse, and Project Runway Recaps and were always pleased with the results. Yet, the past few months on the blog have been marked by a distinct downturn into Not Funny Land.

We have many hypotheses as to what has caused the almost absurd turn but the main one is that Sara Schaefer, which has resulted in Death taking Dan Hopper and Michelle Collins by the hand and ushering them to a guillotine for beheading/killing their blog.

With the introduction of the ghastly Blingee Wednesdays, BWE.TV entered an era of "We're trying to capitalize on things that happened 5 minutes ago." Along with Blingees, the site has forfeited its self-deprecating funny and has been replaced with "LOOK WHAT WE FOUND ON THE INTERWEB LOL (No, we didn't find this on DListed)" and Michelle Collins' shameless self-promotions.

Kristen and I have gone from checking BWE.TV every hour to maybe once a week (and when we do check it, it results in rants about how bad it's become). The final straw for us was the disappointing 90s Movie Madness competition. I have to admit, tis was a great idea, but when you put fucking Clueless in your final four and allow it to lose Clerks and go on to allow Clerks to win the title, something is wrong with your site.

I am saying it now loud and clear: BWE.TV is dead. It has become the Dane Cook of pop culture blogs. Pray for it to shrivel and fade away or for Sara's return. Actually, don't pray for Sara's return: pray for her to take over Jimmy Fallon's job.

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

2009-04-10T19:00:00.000-04:00

(Special shout out to my friend J-B G for the tip)

TGIGF

2009-04-10T18:55:00.004-04:00

I'M STILL SICK OF YOUR PASSIVE AGGRESSION, FACEBOOK

2009-04-09T14:04:00.004-04:00

You know, Facebook, I don't need your bullshite to try to help me get through the work week. Thank you very much.

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

2009-04-04T13:53:00.003-04:00

WHY 22 IS THE END: IF ONLY COMPLEMENTS WERE CURRENCY

2009-04-04T13:50:00.001-04:00

As we've been droning away at work, Kristen and I have been noticing that complements have been pouring in from different directions this week. Here's a sample of a few:

- "Thanks so much! You're a STAR!"

- "Don't you look spiffy--have a date tonight?"

- "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU"

- "I like that you always keep me guessing. Keep it up."

- "You explain this best."

- "Keep up the good work."

- "Thanks for coming in late last night and fixing something I forgot to do because I am incompetent and use you as a means by which to cover my ass so I can look great and you can look bad."

Now, as you can see, many of these are directed at work ethic. Others are aimed at appearance. Yet, none of them refer to anything beyond "I see what you did there--and it was good. I'm going to tell you and no one else of your excellence." This is totally fine...if we didn't crave raises more than the expired "as is" food we eat from our respective low-level super markets (because we can't afford anything else).

We're not saying to ban complements--we're just saying that if we had a bruise for every time we got a pat on the back, we'd practically be paraplegics. And, that is reallllllly annoying (as we've been working our jobs for well over half a year and we are still regarded as farts in the wind).

I don't know about Kristen, but I'm opening up a savings account at the American Bank of Complements, so I can save up, accumulate interest, and--eventually--be able to afford a hug (which is worth at least fifty complement dollars).

TODAY IN IM: SPANISH LESSON

2009-04-04T13:14:00.005-04:00

K: I WAS ALWAYS ON TEAM ENRIQUE NOT TEAM RICKY (ALTHOUGH I ALWAYS THOUGHT RICKY WAS BETTER LOOKING)
K: I WAS TEAM RICKY
K: WEPA UN DOS TRES UN KDFJSFJIDJ BAILANTE MARIA
K: OMG MY MOM PLAYED THAT SONG ON BLAST ALL. THE. TIME.
K: PUERTO RICO'S FINEST
K: WHAT DOES HE EVEN SAY
K: IT SOUNDS LIKE HE SWITCHES OVER TO CROATIAN OR SOMETHING I SWEAR
K: I NEVER KNEW
K: I COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND SPANISH WHEN SUNG
K: I WOULD ALWAYS BE LIKE "HOW THE HALE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS MOM?"
K: BECAUSE ALL I EVER HEARD WAS LIKE "BAILA UNO DOS TRES ILEJRTIHARDGUBANUHAOIHEORIALKNVILHEAOIERJAPOIE RPOAU ESPORU YAYAYAYAYAYA"
K: THAT WAS IT
K: WEPA WEPA WEPA
K: KJHKJFGDFJGIY j JSKDHF uifh IUDSF HG MARIA
K: I THINK THOSE ARE THE LYRICS
K: DONT QUOTE ME ON THAT
K: THATS PRETTY CLOSE
K: (YOUR ACCENTS ARE IN THE WRONG PLACE)
K: SORRY IM ON A PC

WHAT A WEEK

2009-04-03T08:00:00.000-04:00

__________ IS THE END: TAGGING YOUR FRIENDS

2009-04-01T01:08:00.001-04:00

Following in the frightening footsteps of "25 Random Facts You Don't Know About Me," Facebook denizens have created a new layer of hell: "Tag Your Friends."

This extremely annoying exercise in GIVE ME ATTENTION has manifested itself in the form of tagging your the your friends as Disney Princesses, Gossip Girls, (not real) South Park characters, Pokemon (gotta catch 'em all), and--most notoriously--Mr. Men/Little Miss characters.

Now, I'm all for the Facebook and fooling around by tagging people as things they are not, but when all of your photos tagged are random incarnations of shoes that a "clever" friend felt the need to alert you of, it's time to stop.

This is a call to action for Facebookers: untag yourself and rid yourself of the eyesores of Facebook created by people who have no time on their hands and who still cling to the past expressions of social networking.

Come one people: this is 2009--not 2001.

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

2009-03-20T02:44:00.004-04:00

(and, yes, we've been busy jackholes: we have jobs. 22IstheEnd still is alive.)

FOR ALL THOSE NOT T'ING G I F

2009-03-13T18:09:00.001-04:00

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

2009-03-10T20:28:00.002-04:00

WHAT 22 IS THE END: YOU ARE FATIGUED FROM THE RESULTING TIME CHANGE DAYLIGHT SAVING BRINGS

2009-03-10T20:03:00.006-04:00

This past Saturday night I attempted to watch a new horror movie I had purchased. It was the perfect cleanse to a crazy two weeks of non-stop, ridiculous, mind-numbing work and I was very excited to see it, as I had heard great things. As the clock approached midnight, the sounds of screaming and murder and highly-evolved-plant-life-massacring-humans sang me to a deep sleep. I woke up on my couch at 4AM, dazed and startled: I wasn't asleep for that long. I sidled my way across the living room floor into my bedroom and continued on sleeping.

I woke up the next morning at 9AM and knew something felt funny. I had a busy Sunday and only realized at "2:30PM" that my clock was wrong: I was a victim of Daylight Saving Time. That night, I got home, ate dinner, and hung out with my family, but could not muster the will power to stay awake beyond--I don't know--10PM.

For the past three days, I've just been an absolute wreck from Daylight Saving Time. Recently, the slightest of changes in my sleeping patters eff me up. I can't stay awake for more than three hours without getting groggy. I frequently zone out and forget what work needs to be done: I am an absolute waste on many different levels from fucked up sleep.

At 22 years old, this is a problem. Every time I decide to watch the Colbert Report--I'm a mess. Whenever I go out and have some drinks with friends, costing me a midnight hour, I'll be a vegetable the next day. If I am at work beyond 9PM (which happens a lot)--I have to go home and lay my head on a pillow and sleep for many, many hours.

Daylight Saving Time's beginning has disrupted my internal clock. And, like many adults, I have been introduced to a despicable culture of "tired adults," who find a bond in common misfortunes. Daylight Saving Time hits this nail on the head, reinforcing that--after a certain age--there is an unstated agreement that "Oh, something sucks in life: let us find a means to express our malcontent!" And, let me be the first to say: this malcontent is expressed in the most mature and progressive of ways.

Daylights Saving Time has helped usher in post-college life and has made me proud to be 22. Who wants to be lively, anyway?

TODAY IN IM: MONOGAYMOUS

2009-03-06T20:35:00.001-05:00

K: I HAVE SWORN OFF ALL OTHE GAYS
K: WHY IS THAT
K: IM MONOGAYMOUS
K: I NEVER IMAGINED THAT DAY WOULD COME: I WOULD BECOME MONOGAYMOUS WITH A WOMAN
K: TELL YOUR MOM
K: THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT "TODAY IN IM" POST

WHY 22 IS THE END: ZITS ARE FOREVER

2009-03-04T21:13:00.001-05:00

I have been fortunate enough in my lifetime to have clear skin. I've never had to use acne washes or go see a dermatologist or even have to pop a zit or follow in the footsteps of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jessica Simpson. I've always had clear skin and have always been followed by the envious eyes of pizza faces everywhere. My frequently pimple free face has helped me pass as a high schooler even at 22. It's pretty cool to get carded every time you try to buy cigarettes, alcohol, lighters, or even spray paint. It's never inconvenient. Never.

Kristen, like me, has also enjoyed the blessing of zitless skin and clear complexion. However, like me, she has suffered the same affliction: when you do get pimples, you get them bad. This was always the problem in high school: the occasional crater you didn't know how to deal with. A zit would come, attack for a week, and leave us on our merry way. We never had time to learn how to understand them or even befriend them enough to make it work for us (if that's even possible).

At 22, pimples are becoming more and more problematic because you aren't in high school and everyone notices and feels the need to make clever euphemisms about it ("Oh, looks like something bit you on your lip!"; "Where'd you get that fancy new beauty mark?"; "What? Run out of Pro-Active?"). And, every time I get a pimple, I'm like "EMERGENCY EMERGENCY HOW DO YOU FIX THIS WTF MATE" It makes me wish I had had terrible acne in my youth because then I would know how to deal with pimples. Now, when I get the occasional, unsightly face (well, eye)sore, I just scratch it and try to pop it, aggravating it to an extreme point where people look at you and only have "LOOK AT THAT ZIT" on their mind.

Maybe, at some point in the future, zits will stop trying to conquer my face once a month, a prospect that seems impossible. Until that point, I need to figure out how I'm going to deal with this when I am 32. Or, I'll just preoccupy my thoughts with trying to learn how to accept other things I don't like about my body, so zits will seem inconsequential.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS...OR TEN

2009-03-01T18:32:00.004-05:00

It's okay, Chris. We know Rihanna was asking for it.

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

2009-03-01T03:15:00.001-05:00

WHY 22 IS THE END: NO ONE "GETS" YOU ANYMORE

2009-02-28T23:55:00.003-05:00

Kristen and I met while we interned at a cable television channel while in college. We were in New York City for the summer, none of our friends were really in the city, and we had a lot of free time while at work. So, we spent most of our hours making LOL creatures to maximize LULZ instead of committing suicide in a cubicle.

Beyond that, one thing we realized that summer (and what brought us to be ~*~bEsTiEs~*~) is that no one we worked with understood us or got our humor. We were lone rangers, cruising through a desert on the fastest wild stallions in the West. People in our office couldn't keep up (At. All.). Most of the other interns couldn't even keep up. It got to a point where our bosses were like "We don't give you real work, so make us a Powerpoint presentation of current trends because you introduced us to LOL and Facebook, so you guys must be hip."

So, we blew their minds with YouSendIt and Amy Winehouse--before either were trainwrecks.

And, even though we made a fancy Powerpoint, no one understood what we were saying. No one "got it." Kristen and I discuss to this day if we presented drunk and spoke French. Really, we don't get it.

As foxy 22 year olds, Kristen and I have realized the same thing as we forge into the real world: no on gets us. We both make jokes, try to win people over with our killer fashion sense, and are hard fucking workers--but no one respects or takes our worth beyond face value. No one says "Oh, she's a spectacular, comedic, ironic writer" or "Oh, he is a greaaaat actor and entertainer."

No: all we get are jobs that have nothing to do with what we studied in college. Or, they have nothing to do with what we actually want to be "when we grow up." Either way: we feel like we're doomed.

Beyond predicting "David at the Dentist" or "Kittens Inspired by Kittens," no one has taken our cool hunting predictions beyond being strange, weird, and off-kilter. We have close-to-mainstream-taste, but no one takes us seriously (which is why we started a blog).

But, you know what: we've reached a point where we don't fucking care anymore. We'll watch "Bart is the General" and laugh at "Riding On the Bus with my Sister" and still love/hate Rosie O'Donnell and not care that no one "gets us."

Whatever. Excuse our beauty.

TODAY IN IM: ONE DAY WE SHALL SHINE

2009-02-28T21:00:00.005-05:00

K: SOMEONE KEEPS PRITING ON COMPANY LETTERHEAD WHICH WHEN RUN THROUGH A PRINTER SMELLS LIKE YOU ARE BEING SUFFOCATED BY SAWDUST
K: EW I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THAT SMELL EW
K: POOL CHEMICALS AND SAWDUST
K THE KIND OF SMELL THAT MAKES YOUR TEETH HURT
K: THAT LAST DESCRIPTION DESERVES A LITERARY MEDAL
K: WHAT CAN I SAY IM A WRITER ON THE INSIDE AND AN ACCOUNTANT ON THE OUTSIDE
K: ONE DAY: WE WILL SHINE IN GOD'S LOVE

GOD ISN'T AS BIG ON FACEBOOK AS WE THOUGHT

2009-02-27T13:18:00.007-05:00

One of me and KF's favorite facebook related activities is an IM exchange of friends' statuses with commentary. It seemed that God was having a big day on facebook. Examples:

Facebook friend is thinking just when i wanted to give up God came and saved the day!
Facebook friend is a winner in God's eyes!

That got me to thinking: What if God was one of us? Just a facebook addict like one of us? God would probably have sooo many friends. He would probably be tagged as "the one you can depend on."

Much to my dismay, God doesn't have a profile, but he does have a PAGE! I thought God must have so many fans, but he only had 2,934! Well if God isn't that popular, than Satan must have like 5 goth kids who only have 5 friends each on facebook right? WRONG! Satan has 3,628. To put this all in perspective, Boo from Monsters, Inc. has 2,160,642 fans. YES. A CARTOON GIRL FROM A MEDIOCRE PIXAR FILM HAS TWO MILLION ONE HUNDRED SIXTY THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED FORTY TWO FANS. Boo has about 736 times the amount of fans God has. I'm kind of indifferent on this whole situation though. Can I be a fan of indifference? Yes.

FINALMENTE

2009-02-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

FINALMENTE E' VENDREDI' EVERYONE

WHY 22 IS THE END: YOU HAVE EVEN LESS MONEY THAN YOU DID IN COLLEGE

2009-02-23T20:29:00.000-05:00

I work as a personal assistant and am pretty content with my just-outta-college wage. However, like every working man, working woman, and--if you are in Asia--working child, mo' money brings mo' problems. And, once you are in the real world, these problems all hit at the same time.

I've learned that with car payments, rent, student loans, phone bills, credit card, and the "cost of living" combined, you barely make ends meet. I am not understanding how people can be upwardly mobile if this is how "adulthood" begins. I mean, I don't even have that high of bills but I can't imagine them going up even in the slightest. Do adults secretly win the lottery? Do adults just quietly stew in their debt? Do adults all eventually become Willy Lohman? Please, adult readers who we do not have, answer these questions.

I cant figure out what I'm doing wrong (besides not listening to my weekly Buxfer.com report) but I cannot foresee and end to this madness. You would think I am just bank-bank-banking that dough but, honestly, I have no idea where it is going because I am banking nothing. Like, zero point zero zero dollars. Like, I think I'm actually paying my boss to work for him. Like, FML.

If I can get someone to pay for my alcohol addiction and my housing and my clothes and my car, then I think I will be able to bank some money and actually move on with life. Then, maybe, 22 won't be the end.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS...OR TEN

2009-02-21T13:05:00.004-05:00

Aren't they supposed to be hotter with their shirts off?

(Nick Jonas: You will always be beautiful in my eyes. I can't wait until we can make out.)

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

2009-02-21T03:58:00.006-05:00

WHY 22 IS THE END: BEING ON THE INTERNET AT 2:45 AM IS NO LONGER "WHAT YOU DO"

2009-02-21T02:46:00.003-05:00

It's weird to say "back in college" but I haven't been to my Alma mater in over a year. So anyway back in college, it was perfectly normal to be up doing absolutely nothing at 3 AM, and then call your BFF who only lives 5 doors down to go to the C-store and get some snacks. Being up at all hours used to be just "what you do" but now it's "what you do when you are lame." Normally I don't ever make it to 3 AM unless I am out, about, and wasted. Otherwise I am in bed by midnight because I am too exhausted from my big girl job to even bother.

So what happens late night after Conan finishes (FOREVER as of tonight, but that's another blog post) in the life of a 22 year old? Well I did some regular weirdo "I live alone so I can" stuff like change my clothes in the kitchen and hold an impromptu yoga session in my living room. Now I'm online at a time where EVERYONE used to be online, but right now I only have one person on my buddy list, the same BFF who used to live 5 doors down on the 7th floor (that's another blog post on an entirely different blog). OH WAIT HE JUST SIGNED OFF.

AM I OLD? Brb planning my funeral. Or obsessing over how I am not married yet while acknowledging the fact that I don't want to be married yet. I think that's the next stage of life anyway.

TODAY IN IM: IMITATION IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF FLATTERY--UNLESS YOU DO IT WRONG

2009-02-20T23:34:00.004-05:00

K: LETS PLAY A GAME CALLED "HOW DO I LOOK TODAY"
K: I LOOK LIKE SHIT AND I KNOW IT

K: HOW YOU LOOK
K: LET ME EXPLAIN HOW I "LOOK"
K: I WAS INSPIRED TO DRESS LIKE JEWELRY DESIGNER PHILIP CRANGI (WHO I WANT TO BE), SO I COMBINED THESE IMAGES:
phillipcrangi_assembly.jpg
00001f.jpg
AND crangi_2.jpg
K: BUT INSTEAD OF LOOKING LIKE THAT, I LOOK LIKE THIS:
393_bio_homepage_main.jpg AND THIS SALLY_JESSE_RAPHAEL1.jpg
K: MY HAIR IS RATTY AND IM WEARING AN UGLY BELT
K: O DEER

K: I WOULD SAY WE FAILED AT THE STYLE TODAY

PROOF THAT WE NEED TO BE BUYING ITEMS IN THE MICHAEL JACKSON ESTATE SALE

2009-02-20T13:10:00.004-05:00

If you haven't heard, Michael Jackson is auctioning off all his items from the Neverland Estate. And if, for whatever reason, you thought you didn't want to get anything, the above is proof we all need to be investing.

(or, proof that we all need paintings commissioned of E.T. fashioned in our own image)

WHY 22 IS THE END: NO ONE FACEBOOKS US ANYMORE

2009-02-20T01:11:00.009-05:00

For the adult, checking Facebook once a week is a new sport you participate in once a week. For the high schooler, checking Facebook is something you do when you're not on MySpace or YouTube or LiveJournal or Xanga or AIM. But, for the college student, checking Facebook less than once an hour is a faux pas, social suicide, inexcusable: if you do not check your Facebook profile more times a day than there are hours you are awake--you're in trouble.

Speaking for two recent college graduates, we at 22IsTheEnd are still running on a schedule that requires our being on Facebook more minutes a day than we spend actually working at work. This isn't actually our fault, though: it is the product of having spent the past four years in college slaving over the art of Facebook stalking and replying tactfully to Facebook messages whilst drunk. But, the only difference in our Facebooking as "adults" versus our Facebooking while in college, is that people do not give a damn about our profiles anymore.

Recently, checking Facebook and going to our profiles is like taking an optimistic walk through a ghost town: you hope you're going to see something new but, inevitably, you won't. Your friends from school are either still at school or you don't talk to them because they are in a different city. Your "new" friends (if you are so ~*~bLeSsEd~*~ to have them) don't know you as a Facebooker but rather as an adult. Thus, the only people who Facebook you are you're best friends who always Facebook you. This is not a bad thing; however, when you log in twenty times a day and you've only received one message from your fellow blogger/business partner, you feel incomplete and like you want to take your profile behind the work dumpster and put it out of its misery (believe me--I've come real close).

Moreover, in our year removed from school, living the high life of the 2-2, Facebook has devolved into a wasteland where you:

1. Receive friend requests from people you don't care about;

2. Get frequent postings from relatives who should not be on Facebook

3. Or, are persistently sent resumes from people you knew in elementary school who know you work in the biz and really would like to get into the entertainment industry but have only worked as a waiter but know that entertainment is "where they belong."

Facebook for the 22 year old + crowd is a sad, hollow sham. It reminds me of those elderly people you see at tennis courts shuffling around the green pavement chasing tennis balls: the sport will never be the same for them, even though they try to force it to be.

And, in 2009, maybe our Facebook profile's shifting toward obsoleteness is a good thing: who wants to be obsessing over an unnoticed profile when you have a shiny new blog?

(And, Facebook gives you cancer, so fuck that boolshite--I'm gon keep blogging.)

EXCUSE ME AS I GET ALL PRETENTIOUS ON YOU WITH MY TOBACCOLESS ELECTRONIC CIGARETTE

2009-02-19T01:20:00.007-05:00

I love smoking. I absolutely love it: lighting the cigarette, sucking in the nicotine, attempting to blow the smoke out in a "cool" way--you know, the juvenile reasons for smoking. I've never really been committed to the activity but I've always been in love with activity. I mean, it's so damn cool: you are putting something on fire in your mouth. There is nothing more badass about that.

I recently found a healthy alternative: the Luci, a tobaccoless electronic cigarette that claims to be "good" for you.

The cigarette looks really sleek and cool and like you are still a badass smoking a ciggie. However, the only drawback is that you look like a huge dickhead. Now, I have not been able to find any photos of anyone "smoking" a Luci or any proof that anyone actually uses the product, but I'm predicting you probably look like a pretentious, Eurotrashy doofus.

I'm really excited by this product but also extremely turned off by it because I know, regardless of who you are with and what they think of you're smoking a Luci, Luci smokers will always remind me of this:

That's right: light up that fake fag and fake smoke you're way to cancer of the brain, since you are already mentally handicapped to be a fake cigarette smoker.

I'll stick with my real cigarettes--if I choose to smoke them.

THERE IS A GOD

2009-02-18T15:21:00.006-05:00

PREPARE THINE SOULS:

It's going to look something like this. And, at that point, 23 will be the end. I'm so excited.

TODAY IS THE DAY I HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN AFFECTED BY THE FINANCIAL CRISIS

2009-02-18T12:57:00.003-05:00

As a lowly media worker I may not get paid much (YET YET YET) but I am pretty much guaranteed to be able to drink my salary's worth of Diet Coke in the office, effectively doubling what I make which in turn makes me feel a lot better about myself. Yesterday I went to go grab a cup but a clear substance came out. Maybe some pranksters or dub room ghosts replaced it with Crystal Pepsi. FOOLED AGAIN. It was water. BLEH! I calmed down, took a few deep breaths, and went to Walgreens to make sure I could sustain my addiction another day longer. Today however, put my cup under the fountain and STILL NO DIET COKE. No one else seemed too worried so I carried on with my day until THIS HAPPENED:

"What financial crisis?" indeed! Boy, when it hits, it hits hard. I walked all the way up ONE FLIGHT of stairs to swipe some and scurried back down before anyone noticed I actually went to another floor to get some soda instead of just having some Flavia time. When I got back, I had an email to join the company Weight Watchers meetings. Are you trying to tell me something, Employer? Now I know those stairs will do me good but its DIET COKE.

PS - Is it just me or has this blog been really girl wearing a skirt as a top lately?

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

2009-02-18T02:18:00.005-05:00

NINA FLOWERS HAS BECOME VITAMIN C

2009-02-18T01:14:00.009-05:00

Now, we here at 22IsTheEnd have had smiles on our faces LOVING Ru Paul's Drag Race and feel that if you are not or have not been watching--something is wrong with you because you need to be watching it.

This week, the ever fab Nina Flowers literally became Vitamin C (circa As Long As You're Loving Me)--and no one else seems to notice. Bloggers have been all "NINA SAID H-I-V LOLOLOL" and "AKASHIA SUCKA-SUCKA-SUCKS"--but no NF/VC comparison. Even Ru herself seemed to be unaware: she just made a Madonna joke.

Didn't see it?

I mean, are you effing blind?

Look--Nina Flowers:

Nina, ERR, Vitamin C:

Vitamin N:

VITAMIN FLORES:

Case to the closed: Ru Paul's Drag Race is fabulous and Vitamin C is F-I-E-R-C-E.

YOUR NAME + MAJESTY = YOUR CHILD'S NAME, TOO

2009-02-17T23:40:00.006-05:00

If you were Jermaine Jackson and you had a son, what would you name him?

Thanks to The Insider--and my good friend Mia for alerting me--Jermaine Jackson's son name is JERMAJESTY.

WHY HASNT JERMAJESTY BEEN FRONT PAGE NEWS FOR THE PAST EIGHT YEARS???

I really don't get this and I really don't get why more people aren't using the tried and true formula: YOUR NAME + MAJESTY = BEST NAME EVER.

Some examples:

Kristen + Majesty = KRAMAJESTY!!

kf + Majesty = KFAJESTY!!

Mia + Majesty = MIAMAJESTY!!

Jermajesty + Majesty = JERMAJAJESTY!!

Can anyone come up with a better combination?? I feel a Blingee coming on.

PRIDE FLIP FLOPS: NOT SO PROUD AKSHUALLY

2009-02-16T23:01:00.004-05:00

Perusing my favorite gay blog--Towelroad--this afternoon, I discovered an advertisement for a product called "Pride Flip Flops."

Once I followed the ad, I realized why I need a pair: flip flops that illustrate your gay pride by your covering the symbol of gay pride with your foot so no one can see that your Pride Flip Flops are actually proud of anything (and that you are actually stomping out your pride and the fact that you are gay). I need a pair.

Check them out:

These are perfect for me: I can't wait to buy these and wear them around with Ted Haggard and our wives as we galavant around Arizona. My mother will be so proud when she sees my new flip flops.

IS FACEBOOK SECURITY FRISKING ANYONE ELSE WITH CRAZY TALK?

2009-02-15T20:52:00.011-05:00

I just tried to post a funny photo of a cake on Kristen's wall on the Facebook, but was met with an angry "Security Check" screen where you have to type the scribbly text into the text box. However, I kept failing because the words Facebook wanted me to type were fucking ridiculous.

Case in point:

I mean, it's Sunday at 5PM--why must I go through a security check? Yes, I've had some champagne and this may be in my best interest to go through a screen before I post anything, but really?

I'm not even going to comment: I'll let these gems speak for themselves.

(And, apologies, Kristen, for not being able to post the CakeWreck on your wall: Facebook was behaving like a drunk frat boy.)

WHILE YOU WERE WATCHING THAT VIDEO OF JOAQUIN PHOENIX ON LETTERMAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING THIS

2009-02-13T15:05:00.003-05:00

But, Joaquin was so February 12, 2009, so you're probably watching Kittens Inspired By Kittens now (which, technically, is also so February 12, 2009).

Y.E.V.

2009-02-13T10:50:00.001-05:00

YA! ES VIERNES everybody.

DATE ACTIVITIES FROM SUITE101.COM: "SUMMARIZATION PHOTOS"

2009-02-12T17:11:00.006-05:00

Go ahead and laugh: I was Googling date activities yesterday at work. The results were not exciting and didn't actually shine any light on actual "date activities." But, I did find a strange alternate internet universe called Suite101.com, a strange online networking site for writers. The reason that Google directed me here is that it was like a bizarre sort of--how do I put this?--dating activities mecca for retards.

The site's search results for "Date Activities" brings you to a collection of stellar advice and suggestion articles for things to do on dates. The catch here is that if you read and follow the site's advice, clearly you should not be dating in the first place. But, the advice isn't the real winner here: it's the accompanying photos meant to "illustrate" the idea and drive the main idea home--a sort of "summarization" photo, if you will.

Dating Homework/Things To Help You Date With Ease

I read these articles and while feeling both pathetic and enlightened, I was most turned-off by the portrayal of "the single person" and "the single life" in these photos. What? Are all single persons women? Do they live these idyllic shells of lives but have hollow innards that echo "Touch me. Just once: touch me"? Actually, I'm not going to dive into that question because I'm realizing it hits--how do you say?--too close to home.

First Date Do's and Dont's

Immediate reaction: "God, kissing on the first date? What a fucking slut."

Secondary reaction: "Homegirl, your forehead goes forever."

Tertiary reaction: "DO. NOT. WANT."

First Date Conversations to Avoid

Now this article was something that I felt was the most useful because, if you don't abide by them, you probably will come off as a crazy. And, as a person who went on a first date last week, I highly recommend your following this article's advice. Even the photo for this one does a good job glaring at you, judging you for bringing up the fact that you are circumcised and prefer other circumcised men and that your last boyfriend felt the same way and thats how you guys initially bonded but he broke your heart because he was kind of crazy. I'm glad I didn't do that on my first date last week. Phew.

Date Ideas From A - Z

Out of all 26 options of things to do, an arcade is the top pick. I'm not sure if that's because A = #1 to some people or if the writer is a gamer, but some other gems were nature walks, treasure hunts, and--my favorite--hayrides. That got me thinking: the last time I went on a hayride was when I lived in Kansas in the 5th grade and I went on a hayride birthday party on a farm and the only thing I remember is that at the end of the party they blasted "Macarena" in a barn and I did the Macarena on top of a picnic table and some girls were yelling "Wow, I like the way he does the Macarena" and I replied "Thanks, I'm hispanic." A hayride would be a good date.

Date Ideas Under 5 Dollars

Unless "playing with leaves" was being done outside of the Vermont mountain home that my husband or boyfriend were to buy me, then this the shittiest date idea because I would much rather buy a bottle of Andre and vomit on my boyfriend for fun than do this shite. Call me a prude but playing with leaves: retarded.

I don't exactly know if my experience with Suite101.com has been a good or bad one for my dating career but I do know this: writers do not know anything about dating. Advice columns: poppycock (that sounds like a cheap date activity. HRRRM.).

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

2009-02-12T15:10:00.002-05:00

IF I HEAR "MICHELLE OBAMA" AND "JACKIE O" IN THE SAME SENTENCE AGAIN, I WILL KILL A J.CREW SALES ASSOCIATE

2009-02-12T01:13:00.004-05:00

This March's Vogue cover features the ever fly Michelle Obama, making her the second First Lady to play cover girl for the magazine (here's looking at you, Hillary Clinton). With her best "aw, shucks: lil' ole me?" pose, Michelle sits gracefully in a magenta Jason Wu dress ready to conquer the world--one J.Crew at a time.

The article discusses many things about Michelle, like her being Super Mom and a comedienne of sorts ("the South Side of Chicago is our Kennebunkport"). But--most important to me--the distinction is made between her and Jackie O: their style of dress differs because for Michelle "Pragmatism, not glamour, is what matters when she gets dressed."

And, yes, unstylish people of America, I agree: she is not a "stylish" or "glamourous" dresser. The accusations that Michelle is the new Jackie O are ludicrous and emphasizes that Americans do not know shit about fashion (which they don't).

For starters: Michelle barely wears designer clothes while Jackie wore Chanel in the shower. Also, since when is J.Crew designer? Fancy, beautiful, and W.A.S.P.y--yes; but, designer--HELL NAW. If J.Crew is "designer" or "upscale," then I guess I'm on par with Thom Browne because I own many J.Crew items.

Also, am I the only one who thinks this, but Michelle picks clothes that fit real awkwardly on her. I think she's beautiful and knows how to use colors, but, really? I mean, really? I love some Michelle, but--if she is in a fashion showdown--she'd always lose.

Let's not play: Michelle is the best First Lady we've had since Jackie O in terms of style (well, Nancy Regan was fabulous, too). But this is only because all other First Ladies have been stylistically retarded and didn't give a damn about their appearance.

In any event, I will respect Michelle for her being a great First Lady--but not for being a fashionista. And, remember, America: J.Crew is still a God (and God is not Michelle Obama).

YOU HAD ME THERE FOR A MINUTE, SUDAN

2009-02-11T15:34:00.006-05:00

A thrill came over me when I first read that Sudan was urging a boycott of Valentine's Day. Finally, I thought. A beacon of light through the rain made of tears of single people everywhere. I thought the only hope I had this year was that the day before Valentine's Day is Friday the 13th and hope something terrible happened to every one of my peers who was shoving their 8 dozen roses in my face. But alas, I had to go ahead and ruin it by reading the rest of the article.

"The money that is spent on Valentine's Day would be better spent encouraging
young people to marry."

Really, Sudan? I thought you were on my side! Marriage is the last thing I want to think about when Valentine's Day rolls around. There are already plenty of people encouraging me to marry over here in America. I'm looking at you, Grandma. And producers of Who's Wedding is It Anyway, Bridezilla, My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding, Say Yes to the Dress, etc etc etc. You paralyze me in bed on Sunday afternoons. I can only get up to get ice cream.

And then, Sudan, after that dagger to my icy heart, I learned that you FORCED SOMEONE TO MARRY A GOAT BECAUSE THEY HAD SEX WITH IT. Not even you really want me to get married, Sudan! How could you! You tease me! This was just a pity dance at sophomore year homecoming! I kept reading again anyway because I am self-hating. Like that Lit song.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up."
Oh wait. I see what you are doing there Sudan! You are trying to get me to laugh so I can begin to open up and accept love into my heart! A thousand thank yous!

WHY 22 IS THE END: WE OBSESS OVER OUR HOROSCOPES

2009-02-10T17:48:00.002-05:00

My neighborhood has an unusually high amount of storefronts for psychics. The only thing that prevents me from going in is the fact that it would seem "sad" if I went alone. Not the fact that I want to see a psychic. Then you could tell people you went at as a joke if they find out. Sort of like seeing "Bride Wars" with your gay BFF instead of seeing it alone with one of those tiny packs of tissues your grandma always carries in her purse.

Anypathetic, kf and I follow our horoscope (we are both Taureans) religiously even though we know that the EXACT SAME THINGS never happen to the both of us during the same day, week, or month. We sit at work insisting that we will both find true love AND be promoted this week, all the while not dating anyone and not doing anything about how disgruntled we are between 10 AM and 7 PM. When the horoscope has nothing to do with what is going on in our lives whatsoever, we insist the sun signs have shifted and are in fact Gemini, because the week was totally shitty for Geminis.

PREDICTION: Soon enough, on a Sunday afternoon when once of us is catching The Craft on TBS for the 38th time, we will end up checking out spell books from the library. Hopefully we will at that point become totally embarrassed, explain to the librarian that we were really just trying to research Salem, Massachusetts, and delete ourselves from the ivillage.com daily horoscope email list. Hopefully. Unless those spells totally work.

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING: KOALAS ARE DYING

2009-02-10T14:07:00.003-05:00

You've now seen it all: an Australian firefighter quenching the thirst of a dehydrated Koala.

ps. these Australian fires are FRIGHTENING. Thank God I live in Los Angeles.

PAJAMA GRAM: FEEL UNSEXY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

2009-02-09T23:58:00.010-05:00

While watching the Westminster Dog Show this evening, I incurred some pretty bizarre Valentine's commercials. Many advertisers did their damnedest to win over the most brain dead of men to buy the stupidest and most disgustingly unsexiest of shit for their wife.

The worst? Pajama Gram.

The site was boasted on the commercial to be a "sexy" Valentine's alternative but, upon visiting the site, it seems that Pajama Gram was created to foster anger in the hearts of many Valentine's Day participants. Whereas Victoria's Secret seeks to kindle erotic flames this Valentine's, Pajama Gram aims to spark heat in suburban rec rooms between couples who have given up on

sexual practices since 1989. Lets look at some sexy looks from Pajama Gram and who they are intended for:

Ruby Velour Gown

For the Renaissance Fair enthusiast. She also will probably wear this going out with a crown she made from tin foil.

"Insomniacs Do It At Night" Pajamas for Men

For the man who is an active sleeper and not actually an insomniac. This look is more of a warning: it should say "Rapists Attack while you sleep."

Crossword Pajamas for Men & Women

For the couple with that spelling fetish. Please Note: A good husband always steps on his wife's right foot (so says the NYT Sunday Crossword).

Besides these beauts, the site disturbingly extends well beyond the extent of giving to a girlfriend or boyfriend: there are pajamas for "the family." Please note the beautiful photoshopping:

"Daddy's Little Valentine" Pajamas for Toddlers

For the pervy father. No explanation needed.

Mommy and Me Fatigued Pajamas

For Shannon Elizabeth and her kids.

Red Dropseat Pajamas for the Whole Family

For the family that hates each other and thinks "bonding" happens simply by wearing matching clothes. Does that work? Well, the dog won't look at the camera, the little boy is nearing a hysteric fit, and the black one is preparing to run away. So, yes, it works wonders.

Mommy and Me Stewart Plaid Coordinating Pajamas

For the woman who just doesn't understand how to use her whore pills.

These jewels are just scratching the surface. Pajama Gram also covers such "night time items" like slippers, bath and body items, 3X items, and--of course--Get Well Pajamas, since nothing says "get well soon" like a nightgown that looks like it belongs on the corpse of your female character from Oregon Trail.

Pajama Gram is a depressing exercise in Valentine's frugality. If you want to be "cute" or "funny" Valentine's gift this Saturday--just get them a Snuggie. Everyone else is.

AT LEAST I AIN'T YELLOW

2009-02-09T15:50:00.004-05:00

While obsessing over my horoscope over at Elle.com (the best for astrology, bee-tee-dubs), I noticed this frightening little charmer of an ad next to my weekly Career forecast:

Yes, now you've seen everything. And, "Toughy," has seen you. He's seen you not brushing, not flossing, brushing once instead of twice a day, brushing only before a date, gargling with Coca Cola, eating this and that, and doing anything else that is generally "yellowing" for your teeth. With those piercing green eyes and precariously pursed little lips, "Toughy" is thinking "Hey, at least I ain't Yellow because all ya'll mother fuckers going down when you go to the dentist next. Believe me: I'm a disembodied tooth-baby."

And, thanks to this glorious ad, I now know exactly why I am going to be having nightmares tonight about crying noises coming out of my mouth because all my teeth are made out of babies.

You win, internet. You win.

TODAY IN IM: "17 Again"

2009-02-06T21:06:00.000-05:00

K: seventeen_againposter-full-457x678.jpg
K: HE LOOKS LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN
K:YEP
K: I CANT WAIT UNTIL HE GOES THOUGH HIS ANOREXIC PHASE, THEN DRUG PHASE, THEN GAY PHASE CANT WAIT
K: (SIDE NOTE: WOULD YOU TAP THAT?)
K: (YES I SAID "TAP")
K: NO NEVER
K: I DONT LIKE "PRETTY BOYS"
K: WHAT
K: REALLY
K: I DONT LIKE "PRETTY" ALL THAT MUCH BUT I COULD TAP IT I WOULD
K: FRAT BOYS, ABERCROMBIE MODELS, ETC
K: FRAT BOYS YES--ABERCROMBIE MODELS NO
K: ZAC EFRON PROBABLY

TGIF

2009-02-06T17:18:00.000-05:00

TGIF everyone.

WHY 22 IS THE END: WE WANT TO SEE "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"

2009-02-06T16:43:00.002-05:00

LISTEN UP PEOPLE:

FINALLY: the movie He's Just Not That Into You--a once revolutionary book for twentysomething women and obnoxious gay men--is out in theaters!

Let me tell you this: I'm absolutely, over the moon, va-jay-jay-is-all-giddy excited for this movie. It'll be the best thing that's happened to me in 2009.

The first reason is that I will gladly watch anything with Jennifer Connelly. She could be remaking Nell--and I would still love her forever. She's beautiful, she's talented, and she gets better with age. Love that J. Con.

I also love Drew Barrymore (despite some despicable life choices she's made). Even though I'm a 11 years younger than her, I feel that I've watched her grow from child actress to screen gem. I salute you Drew.

But, most importantly, I'm a big fan of this, and this, and this--but not this. Let's make it clear: not. this. (And not this, either) And, as you can tell, He's Just Not That Into You places all of the aforementioned at the heart of the film, thus making it well worth that $15 ticket.

At any other point in my life, I would greatly abhor the thought of wanting to see this film or any other like film; but, because I am now 22 and realizing that my life peaked years ago, I really want to see this (and hope I have a date to see it with).

(which is impossible because nobody is that into me)

DAKOTA FANNING IS QUIETLY PLOTTING TO CONQUER HOLLYWOOD

2009-01-14T13:26:00.000-05:00

Dakota Fanning has not aged like a normal child. Typically, you can tell a girl is becoming a woman from noticing breasts, that they start wearing make-up, and—to boys’ confusion—frequently get excused from gym and are visited from a foreigner aunt named Flo. For a normal person, these are the markers of an entrance into adulthood.

But not for Dakota Fanning.She isn’t “normal.” She is a superhuman, who has switched from a precocious and cute kid to, well, a pretentious, bitchy looking woman. Don’t believe me? Check her out at the Critic’s Choice Awards this past week:

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Even more pressing, WHEN did this happen? One minute, she’s playing with a cat who wears hats, next she’s getting raped on screen. What’s next?? Will she quit acting and become a professor at Smith University?? WILL OLD DAKOTA EVER RETURN??

Sadly, old Dakota is long gone. Everyday, Dakota grows closer and closer to ripping out Hollywood’s testes to suck out any possibility of a cuter child actress. Silently, she is slow-cooking into a snobby, Hollywood diva bitch megalomaniac who has the power to bite off men’s penises and ravage box offices by doing virtually nothing. Dakota has planned out exactly how to own Hollywood without anyone noticing.

Now, how is she doing this? Well, I’ve studied photographs of Dakota at events for the past six months and you will be shocked with what I’ve found out.

First, when going to events, she wears something that reads “classic” but says “MY BODY FUCKING OWNS YOURS” in sign language.

Next, she always holds her chin at least 1 ¾ inches higher than everyone else. That way, she’s always looking down on everyone.

Also, she has begun building a fleet of cute children. That way, she can control future child stars and remind Hollywood “I was once this. Watch your back.”

Dakota has also perfected the art of keeping everyone behind her. Adults, peers, executives, cast-mates, parents, Abagail Breslin: they will never get in her way. And, if they do, she will rip off their breasts, light them on fire, and feed them to one of her groundlings.

Most importantly, she has perfected her side-eye technique so that she can glare at anyone she wants without them knowing. With her cold blue eyes, Dakota can see right through you. She is as powerful of all eight of the kids in Village of the Damned. Hope you’re cool with jumping off a roof, poised to have a broom go through your chest because that is the fate we have before us.

Please heed my warning: Dakota Fanning is planning to take over Hollywood. Once she has Tinsel Town in her grasp—what is next for her? We must stop her advances before she ends up like this woman. We cannot duplicate such duplicity.

A Conversation With Shia

2009-01-09T16:48:00.000-05:00

Shia LeBeouf was recently spotted with his arm still wrapped up. (He must have talked to Katie Holmes’ doctor about how long medical conditions REALLY go on for). I’m pretty sure this is how his phone conversation went while out and about in Los Angeles.

PORN WANTS A $5 BILLION TO PULL OUT (I MEAN FOR A BAILOUT)

2009-01-09T12:23:00.000-05:00

As a fine young lady working in the times of media layoffs, I have had to cut down on trips to Bloomingdales (in order to make sure that whatever money I have left goes to booze). I had been a good sport, trying hard to stick it out until sunnier pastures appear . Only those old guys in suits get money from the government. UNTIL NOW. Porn sales have been slipping so Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have asked for a $5 billion bailout. Well you know what? I want in. Here’s my letter to the Secretary of the Treasury:

Dear The Government,
I am requesting a $6,356.19 bailout. Recent times have been tough for the Me industry. First of all, I have had to move back into my grandparents’ basement in Queens. Do you know what that’s like, Government? Every morning I wait for the bus and have to overhear conversations like:

Blonde Girl: My mom made his mom a Christmas present. She made it. Isn’t that so weird? She put mad Polish candies in a basket and wrapped it up and shit.
Brunette Girl: Is your mom like mad Polish?

How am I supposed to be productive at my job when I must endure this every morning? My living situation is also detrimental to my health. I have gained over ten pounds since moving into my grandparents’ house. My favorite foods cooked in enormous quantities every day? No living, breathing, human being could hold out for so long and not eat all of it. I think $6,356.19 should get me out of the basement and back into an apartment I can’t really afford, reducing the amount of money I can spend on food, thereby making me thin and svelte on a diet consisting of only grapefruits (when on sale). Please save my body and mind and provide me with the money I have requested.

For a better America,

Kristen

LIGHT UP A FAG AND OPEN THAT CLOSET DOOR: COUNTING DOWN THE 10 GAYEST KEN DOLLS

2009-01-08T19:29:00.000-05:00

It’s official: Ken is a queen. Yell it from the mountaintops (or bottoms): Ken—who looooooooved Barbie—is gayer than a leather fanny pack full of rainbows.

In Jerry Oppenheimer’s Toy Monster: The Big, Bad World of Mattel, it was revealed that the basis for the Ken doll was a closeted gay man and the son of Mattel founders Ruth and Elliot Handler (Barbie was his sister). Apparently, he felt a little pressured to live up to Ken’s image of the perfect, penisless male since it was named after him. So, naturally, he overcompensated by playing it straight his entire life. He played it sooooo straight that he ended up contracting AIDs and dying in his Greenwich Village closet. Whoops. I mean, come on: what’s more American than starting a family and eventually contracting AIDs during secret sexscapades with men in Greenwich Village? Nothing! The Ken doll is truly a slice of American pie!

In honor of Ken being let out of the closet and ready to sip some Amaretto Sours, we’ve decided to countdown the top ten GAYEST Ken dolls made since his creation in 1961. Put on those assless chaps and hold on to your Liza Minelli records: here are the GAYEST Ken dolls!

10. TIME FOR TENNIS KEN 1962

Gay men and tennis: FRIENDS 4 LIFE. This Ken prefers “No Bottoms” Tennis (Please Note: the condom at his feet).

9. WESTERN SUIT KEN 1973

All the other Ken’s call this Ken a rapist. Western Ken just claims he’s an active sleeper and Kenny Loggins enthusiast.

8.BUSY KEN 1972

If you notice, this Ken comes with “Holdin Hands” and “5 Toys to Hold and Play With.” I am not sure what they mean what they are insinuating about Ken being “busy,” but I like it (I love the tank top and skinny jeans: so Echo Park).

7. EARRING MAGIC KEN 1993

This Ken actually already has a gay following: it’s called *Nysnc.

6. HARLEY DAVIDSON KEN 1994

(Insert leather daddy joke here)

5. KEN AS PROFESSOR HIGGINS FROM MY FAIR LADY 1992

It was this Ken or Ken as the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera or Ken as the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. Prof. Higgins seemed a little more dignified, as the Phantom Ken was caught sleeping with a male dancer and the Tin Man Ken was busy sucking off the Cowardly Lion Ken. Rarr.

4. BENDABLE LEG KEN 1970

Regardless of how “bendable” this Ken’s legs are, I want to know what is stage right of his crotch. Oh wait: that’s his cell phone on vibrate that I keep calling. JKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJK LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL SNAP!!!!!!

3. CHER 2001

This isn’t a Ken doll. All the other Ken dolls forced me to put her here and I was out numbered. I got scared of Leather Daddy Harley-Davidson Ken and succumbed to their pressure.

2. ORIGINAL KEN 1961

This cute little closet friend comes with his very own dark room to place in so that no one will ever notice he him. He will either die of AIDs or commit suicide (gun play set optional). One day, he’ll smile down from heaven thinking, “Prop 8 will be repealed. I know it.” And then he’ll realize he’s in hell with the other gay people and that Prop 8 passed.

1. KEN AS LEGOLAS OF LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS (2004)

As the GAYEST Ken doll, we’ve decided to give a shout out to Orlando Bloom: THANK YOU FOR HELPING KYLE REALIZE HIS HOMOSEXUALITY YOU RULE (TAKE OFF YOUR TOP).

What do you think? Is Legolas Ken (aka Orlando Bloom Ken) really the gayest? Did you know Ken was gay? WWYD if you had a doll named after you? Tell us with your comments!!