It’s official: Ken is a queen. Yell it from the mountaintops (or bottoms): Ken—who looooooooved Barbie—is gayer than a leather fanny pack full of rainbows.
In Jerry Oppenheimer’s Toy Monster: The Big, Bad World of Mattel, it was revealed that the basis for the Ken doll was a closeted gay man and the son of Mattel founders Ruth and Elliot Handler (Barbie was his sister). Apparently, he felt a little pressured to live up to Ken’s image of the perfect, penisless male since it was named after him. So, naturally, he overcompensated by playing it straight his entire life. He played it sooooo straight that he ended up contracting AIDs and dying in his Greenwich Village closet. Whoops. I mean, come on: what’s more American than starting a family and eventually contracting AIDs during secret sexscapades with men in Greenwich Village? Nothing! The Ken doll is truly a slice of American pie!
In honor of Ken being let out of the closet and ready to sip some Amaretto Sours, we’ve decided to countdown the top ten GAYEST Ken dolls made since his creation in 1961. Put on those assless chaps and hold on to your Liza Minelli records: here are the GAYEST Ken dolls!
10. TIME FOR TENNIS KEN 1962
Gay men and tennis: FRIENDS 4 LIFE. This Ken prefers “No Bottoms” Tennis (Please Note: the condom at his feet).
9. WESTERN SUIT KEN 1973
All the other Ken’s call this Ken a rapist. Western Ken just claims he’s an active sleeper and Kenny Loggins enthusiast.
8.BUSY KEN 1972
If you notice, this Ken comes with “Holdin Hands” and “5 Toys to Hold and Play With.” I am not sure what they mean what they are insinuating about Ken being “busy,” but I like it (I love the tank top and skinny jeans: so Echo Park).
7. EARRING MAGIC KEN 1993
This Ken actually already has a gay following: it’s called *Nysnc.
6. HARLEY DAVIDSON KEN 1994
(Insert leather daddy joke here)
5. KEN AS PROFESSOR HIGGINS FROM MY FAIR LADY 1992
It was this Ken or Ken as the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera or Ken as the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz. Prof. Higgins seemed a little more dignified, as the Phantom Ken was caught sleeping with a male dancer and the Tin Man Ken was busy sucking off the Cowardly Lion Ken. Rarr.
4. BENDABLE LEG KEN 1970
Regardless of how “bendable” this Ken’s legs are, I want to know what is stage right of his crotch. Oh wait: that’s his cell phone on vibrate that I keep calling. JKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJK LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL SNAP!!!!!!
3. CHER 2001
This isn’t a Ken doll. All the other Ken dolls forced me to put her here and I was out numbered. I got scared of Leather Daddy Harley-Davidson Ken and succumbed to their pressure.
2. ORIGINAL KEN 1961
This cute little closet friend comes with his very own dark room to place in so that no one will ever notice he him. He will either die of AIDs or commit suicide (gun play set optional). One day, he’ll smile down from heaven thinking, “Prop 8 will be repealed. I know it.” And then he’ll realize he’s in hell with the other gay people and that Prop 8 passed.
1. KEN AS LEGOLAS OF LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS (2004)
As the GAYEST Ken doll, we’ve decided to give a shout out to Orlando Bloom: THANK YOU FOR HELPING KYLE REALIZE HIS HOMOSEXUALITY YOU RULE (TAKE OFF YOUR TOP).
What do you think? Is Legolas Ken (aka Orlando Bloom Ken) really the gayest? Did you know Ken was gay? WWYD if you had a doll named after you? Tell us with your comments!!