As a fine young lady working in the times of media layoffs, I have had to cut down on trips to Bloomingdales (in order to make sure that whatever money I have left goes to booze). I had been a good sport, trying hard to stick it out until sunnier pastures appear . Only those old guys in suits get money from the government. UNTIL NOW. Porn sales have been slipping so Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have asked for a $5 billion bailout. Well you know what? I want in. Here’s my letter to the Secretary of the Treasury:
Dear The Government,
I am requesting a $6,356.19 bailout. Recent times have been tough for the Me industry. First of all, I have had to move back into my grandparents’ basement in Queens. Do you know what that’s like, Government? Every morning I wait for the bus and have to overhear conversations like:
Blonde Girl: My mom made his mom a Christmas present. She made it. Isn’t that so weird? She put mad Polish candies in a basket and wrapped it up and shit.
Brunette Girl: Is your mom like mad Polish?
How am I supposed to be productive at my job when I must endure this every morning? My living situation is also detrimental to my health. I have gained over ten pounds since moving into my grandparents’ house. My favorite foods cooked in enormous quantities every day? No living, breathing, human being could hold out for so long and not eat all of it. I think $6,356.19 should get me out of the basement and back into an apartment I can’t really afford, reducing the amount of money I can spend on food, thereby making me thin and svelte on a diet consisting of only grapefruits (when on sale). Please save my body and mind and provide me with the money I have requested.
For a better America,
Dear The Government,
I am requesting a $6,356.19 bailout. Recent times have been tough for the Me industry. First of all, I have had to move back into my grandparents’ basement in Queens. Do you know what that’s like, Government? Every morning I wait for the bus and have to overhear conversations like:
Blonde Girl: My mom made his mom a Christmas present. She made it. Isn’t that so weird? She put mad Polish candies in a basket and wrapped it up and shit.Brunette Girl: Is your mom like mad Polish?
How am I supposed to be productive at my job when I must endure this every morning? My living situation is also detrimental to my health. I have gained over ten pounds since moving into my grandparents’ house. My favorite foods cooked in enormous quantities every day? No living, breathing, human being could hold out for so long and not eat all of it. I think $6,356.19 should get me out of the basement and back into an apartment I can’t really afford, reducing the amount of money I can spend on food, thereby making me thin and svelte on a diet consisting of only grapefruits (when on sale). Please save my body and mind and provide me with the money I have requested.
For a better America,
Kristen
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