Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Dakota Fanning has not aged like a normal child. Typically, you can tell a girl is becoming a woman from noticing breasts, that they start wearing make-up, and—to boys’ confusion—frequently get excused from gym and are visited from a foreigner aunt named Flo. For a normal person, these are the markers of an entrance into adulthood.

But not for Dakota Fanning.She isn’t “normal.” She is a superhuman, who has switched from a precocious and cute kid to, well, a pretentious, bitchy looking woman. Don’t believe me? Check her out at the Critic’s Choice Awards this past week:

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Even more pressing, WHEN did this happen? One minute, she’s playing with a cat who wears hats, next she’s getting raped on screen. What’s next?? Will she quit acting and become a professor at Smith University?? WILL OLD DAKOTA EVER RETURN??

Sadly, old Dakota is long gone. Everyday, Dakota grows closer and closer to ripping out Hollywood’s testes to suck out any possibility of a cuter child actress. Silently, she is slow-cooking into a snobby, Hollywood diva bitch megalomaniac who has the power to bite off men’s penises and ravage box offices by doing virtually nothing. Dakota has planned out exactly how to own Hollywood without anyone noticing.

Now, how is she doing this? Well, I’ve studied photographs of Dakota at events for the past six months and you will be shocked with what I’ve found out.

First, when going to events, she wears something that reads “classic” but says “MY BODY FUCKING OWNS YOURS” in sign language.

Next, she always holds her chin at least 1 ¾ inches higher than everyone else. That way, she’s always looking down on everyone.

Also, she has begun building a fleet of cute children. That way, she can control future child stars and remind Hollywood “I was once this. Watch your back.”

Dakota has also perfected the art of keeping everyone behind her. Adults, peers, executives, cast-mates, parents, Abagail Breslin: they will never get in her way. And, if they do, she will rip off their breasts, light them on fire, and feed them to one of her groundlings.

Most importantly, she has perfected her side-eye technique so that she can glare at anyone she wants without them knowing. With her cold blue eyes, Dakota can see right through you. She is as powerful of all
eight of the kids in Village of the Damned. Hope you’re cool with jumping off a roof, poised to have a broom go through your chest because that is the fate we have before us.

Please heed my warning: Dakota Fanning is planning to take over Hollywood. Once she has Tinsel Town in her grasp—what is next for her? We must stop her advances before she ends up
like this woman. We cannot duplicate such duplicity.

1 comment:

  1. that is the most fucked up thing eveer. she is 16 and other people most likely pick out all of her outfits and tell her how to pose in pictures. relax dude shes not a terrorist