AT LEAST I AIN'T YELLOW

While obsessing over my horoscope over at Elle.com (the best for astrology, bee-tee-dubs), I noticed this frightening little charmer of an ad next to my weekly Career forecast:

Yes, now you've seen everything. And, "Toughy," has seen you. He's seen you not brushing, not flossing, brushing once instead of twice a day, brushing only before a date, gargling with Coca Cola, eating this and that, and doing anything else that is generally "yellowing" for your teeth. With those piercing green eyes and precariously pursed little lips, "Toughy" is thinking "Hey, at least I ain't Yellow because all ya'll mother fuckers going down when you go to the dentist next. Believe me: I'm a disembodied tooth-baby."

And, thanks to this glorious ad, I now know exactly why I am going to be having nightmares tonight about crying noises coming out of my mouth because all my teeth are made out of babies. 

You win, internet. You win.

TODAY IN IM: "17 Again"

K: seventeen_againposter-full-457x678.jpg
K: HE LOOKS LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN
K:YEP
K: I CANT WAIT UNTIL HE GOES THOUGH HIS ANOREXIC PHASE, THEN DRUG PHASE, THEN GAY PHASE CANT WAIT
K: (SIDE NOTE: WOULD YOU TAP THAT?)
K: (YES I SAID "TAP")
K: NO NEVER
K: I DONT LIKE "PRETTY BOYS"
K: WHAT
K: REALLY
K: I DONT LIKE "PRETTY" ALL THAT MUCH BUT I COULD TAP IT I WOULD
K: FRAT BOYS, ABERCROMBIE MODELS, ETC
K: FRAT BOYS YES--ABERCROMBIE MODELS NO
K: ZAC EFRON PROBABLY

TGIF

TGIF everyone.

WHY 22 IS THE END: WE WANT TO SEE "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"

LISTEN UP PEOPLE:

FINALLY: the movie He's Just Not That Into You--a once revolutionary book for twentysomething women and obnoxious gay men--is out in theaters! 

Let me tell you this: I'm absolutely, over the moon, va-jay-jay-is-all-giddy excited for this movie. It'll be the best thing that's happened to me in 2009.

The first reason is that I will gladly watch anything with Jennifer Connelly. She could be remaking Nell--and I would still love her forever. She's beautiful, she's talented, and she gets better with age. Love that J. Con.

I also love Drew Barrymore (despite some despicable life choices she's made). Even though I'm a 11 years younger than her, I feel that I've watched her grow from child actress to screen gem. I salute you Drew. 

But, most importantly, I'm a big fan of this, and this, and this--but not this. Let's make it clear: not. this. (And not this, either) And, as you can tell, He's Just Not That Into You places all of the aforementioned at the heart of the film, thus making it well worth that $15 ticket.

At any other point in my life, I would greatly abhor the thought of wanting to see this film or any other like film; but, because I am now 22 and realizing that my life peaked years ago, I really want to see this (and hope I have a date to see it with).

 (which is impossible because nobody is that into me)

DAKOTA FANNING IS QUIETLY PLOTTING TO CONQUER HOLLYWOOD

Dakota Fanning has not aged like a normal child. Typically, you can tell a girl is becoming a woman from noticing breasts, that they start wearing make-up, and—to boys’ confusion—frequently get excused from gym and are visited from a foreigner aunt named Flo. For a normal person, these are the markers of an entrance into adulthood.

But not for Dakota Fanning.She isn’t “normal.” She is a superhuman, who has switched from a precocious and cute kid to, well, a pretentious, bitchy looking woman. Don’t believe me? Check her out at the Critic’s Choice Awards this past week:

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Even more pressing, WHEN did this happen? One minute, she’s playing with a cat who wears hats, next she’s getting raped on screen. What’s next?? Will she quit acting and become a professor at Smith University?? WILL OLD DAKOTA EVER RETURN??

Sadly, old Dakota is long gone. Everyday, Dakota grows closer and closer to ripping out Hollywood’s testes to suck out any possibility of a cuter child actress. Silently, she is slow-cooking into a snobby, Hollywood diva bitch megalomaniac who has the power to bite off men’s penises and ravage box offices by doing virtually nothing. Dakota has planned out exactly how to own Hollywood without anyone noticing.

Now, how is she doing this? Well, I’ve studied photographs of Dakota at events for the past six months and you will be shocked with what I’ve found out.

First, when going to events, she wears something that reads “classic” but says “MY BODY FUCKING OWNS YOURS” in sign language.

Next, she always holds her chin at least 1 ¾ inches higher than everyone else. That way, she’s always looking down on everyone.

Also, she has begun building a fleet of cute children. That way, she can control future child stars and remind Hollywood “I was once this. Watch your back.”

Dakota has also perfected the art of keeping everyone behind her. Adults, peers, executives, cast-mates, parents, Abagail Breslin: they will never get in her way. And, if they do, she will rip off their breasts, light them on fire, and feed them to one of her groundlings.

Most importantly, she has perfected her side-eye technique so that she can glare at anyone she wants without them knowing. With her cold blue eyes, Dakota can see right through you. She is as powerful of all eight of the kids in Village of the Damned. Hope you’re cool with jumping off a roof, poised to have a broom go through your chest because that is the fate we have before us.


Please heed my warning: Dakota Fanning is planning to take over Hollywood. Once she has Tinsel Town in her grasp—what is next for her? We must stop her advances before she ends up like this woman. We cannot duplicate such duplicity.

A Conversation With Shia

Shia LeBeouf was recently spotted with his arm still wrapped up. (He must have talked to Katie Holmes’ doctor about how long medical conditions REALLY go on for). I’m pretty sure this is how his phone conversation went while out and about in Los Angeles.

PORN WANTS A $5 BILLION TO PULL OUT (I MEAN FOR A BAILOUT)

As a fine young lady working in the times of media layoffs, I have had to cut down on trips to Bloomingdales (in order to make sure that whatever money I have left goes to booze). I had been a good sport, trying hard to stick it out until sunnier pastures appear . Only those old guys in suits get money from the government. UNTIL NOW. Porn sales have been slipping so Larry Flynt and Joe Francis have asked for a $5 billion bailout. Well you know what? I want in. Here’s my letter to the Secretary of the Treasury:


Dear The Government,
I am requesting a $6,356.19 bailout. Recent times have been tough for the Me industry. First of all, I have had to move back into my grandparents’ basement in Queens. Do you know what that’s like, Government? Every morning I wait for the bus and have to overhear conversations like:

Blonde Girl: My mom made his mom a Christmas present. She made it. Isn’t that so weird? She put mad Polish candies in a basket and wrapped it up and shit.
Brunette Girl: Is your mom like mad Polish?


How am I supposed to be productive at my job when I must endure this every morning? My living situation is also detrimental to my health. I have gained over ten pounds since moving into my grandparents’ house. My favorite foods cooked in enormous quantities every day? No living, breathing, human being could hold out for so long and not eat all of it. I think $6,356.19 should get me out of the basement and back into an apartment I can’t really afford, reducing the amount of money I can spend on food, thereby making me thin and svelte on a diet consisting of only grapefruits (when on sale). Please save my body and mind and provide me with the money I have requested.

For a better America,

Kristen