DATE ACTIVITIES FROM SUITE101.COM: "SUMMARIZATION PHOTOS"

Go ahead and laugh: I was Googling date activities yesterday at work. The results were not exciting and didn't actually shine any light on actual "date activities." But, I did find a strange alternate internet universe called Suite101.com, a strange online networking site for writers. The reason that Google directed me here is that it was like a bizarre sort of--how do I put this?--dating activities mecca for retards.

The site's search results for "Date Activities" brings you to a collection of stellar advice and suggestion articles for things to do on dates. The catch here is that if you read and follow the site's advice, clearly you should not be dating in the first place. But, the advice isn't the real winner here: it's the accompanying photos meant to "illustrate" the idea and drive the main idea home--a sort of "summarization" photo, if you will.

Dating Homework/Things To Help You Date With Ease

I read these articles and while feeling both pathetic and enlightened, I was most turned-off by the portrayal of "the single person" and "the single life" in these photos. What? Are all single persons women? Do they live these idyllic shells of lives but have hollow innards that echo "Touch me. Just once: touch me"? Actually, I'm not going to dive into that question because I'm realizing it hits--how do you say?--too close to home.

First Date Do's and Dont's

Immediate reaction: "God, kissing on the first date? What a fucking slut."

Secondary reaction: "Homegirl, your forehead goes forever."

Tertiary reaction: "DO. NOT. WANT."

First Date Conversations to Avoid

Now this article was something that I felt was the most useful because, if you don't abide by them, you probably will come off as a crazy. And, as a person who went on a first date last week, I highly recommend your following this article's advice. Even the photo for this one does a good job glaring at you, judging you for bringing up the fact that you are circumcised and prefer other circumcised men and that your last boyfriend felt the same way and thats how you guys initially bonded but he broke your heart because he was kind of crazy. I'm glad I didn't do that on my first date last week. Phew.

Date Ideas From A - Z

Out of all 26 options of things to do, an arcade is the top pick. I'm not sure if that's because A = #1 to some people or if the writer is a gamer, but some other gems were nature walks, treasure hunts, and--my favorite--hayrides. That got me thinking: the last time I went on a hayride was when I lived in Kansas in the 5th grade and I went on a hayride birthday party on a farm and the only thing I remember is that at the end of the party they blasted "Macarena" in a barn and I did the Macarena on top of a picnic table and some girls were yelling "Wow, I like the way he does the Macarena" and I replied "Thanks, I'm hispanic." A hayride would be a good date.

Date Ideas Under 5 Dollars

Unless "playing with leaves" was being done outside of the Vermont mountain home that my husband or boyfriend were to buy me, then this the shittiest date idea because I would much rather buy a bottle of Andre and vomit on my boyfriend for fun than do this shite. Call me a prude but playing with leaves: retarded.

I don't exactly know if my experience with Suite101.com has been a good or bad one for my dating career but I do know this: writers do not know anything about dating. Advice columns: poppycock (that sounds like a cheap date activity. HRRRM.).

FUN WITH GOOGLE PREVIEW

IF I HEAR "MICHELLE OBAMA" AND "JACKIE O" IN THE SAME SENTENCE AGAIN, I WILL KILL A J.CREW SALES ASSOCIATE

This March's Vogue cover features the ever fly Michelle Obama, making her the second First Lady to play cover girl for the magazine (here's looking at you, Hillary Clinton). With her best "aw, shucks: lil' ole me?" pose, Michelle sits gracefully in a magenta Jason Wu dress ready to conquer the world--one J.Crew at a time.

The article discusses many things about Michelle, like her being Super Mom and a comedienne of sorts ("the South Side of Chicago is our Kennebunkport"). But--most important to me--the distinction is made between her and Jackie O: their style of dress differs because for Michelle "Pragmatism, not glamour, is what matters when she gets dressed."

And, yes, unstylish people of America, I agree: she is not a "stylish" or "glamourous" dresser. The accusations that Michelle is the new Jackie O are ludicrous and emphasizes that Americans do not know shit about fashion (which they don't). 

For starters: Michelle barely wears designer clothes while Jackie wore Chanel in the shower. Also, since when is J.Crew designer? Fancy, beautiful, and W.A.S.P.y--yes; but, designer--HELL NAW. If J.Crew is "designer" or "upscale," then I guess I'm on par with Thom Browne because I own many J.Crew items.

Also, am I the only one who thinks this, but Michelle picks clothes that fit real awkwardly on her. I think she's beautiful and knows how to use colors, but, really? I mean, really? I love some Michelle, but--if she is in a fashion showdown--she'd always lose.

Let's not play: Michelle is the best First Lady we've had since Jackie O in terms of style (well, Nancy Regan was fabulous, too). But this is only because all other First Ladies have been stylistically retarded and didn't give a damn about their appearance.

In any event, I will respect Michelle for her being a great First Lady--but not for being a fashionista. And, remember, America: J.Crew is still a God (and God is not Michelle Obama).

YOU HAD ME THERE FOR A MINUTE, SUDAN

A thrill came over me when I first read that Sudan was urging a boycott of Valentine's Day. Finally, I thought. A beacon of light through the rain made of tears of single people everywhere. I thought the only hope I had this year was that the day before Valentine's Day is Friday the 13th and hope something terrible happened to every one of my peers who was shoving their 8 dozen roses in my face. But alas, I had to go ahead and ruin it by reading the rest of the article.

"The money that is spent on Valentine's Day would be better spent encouraging
young people to marry."

Really, Sudan? I thought you were on my side! Marriage is the last thing I want to think about when Valentine's Day rolls around. There are already plenty of people encouraging me to marry over here in America. I'm looking at you, Grandma. And producers of Who's Wedding is It Anyway, Bridezilla, My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding, Say Yes to the Dress, etc etc etc. You paralyze me in bed on Sunday afternoons. I can only get up to get ice cream.

And then, Sudan, after that dagger to my icy heart, I learned that you FORCED SOMEONE TO MARRY A GOAT BECAUSE THEY HAD SEX WITH IT. Not even you really want me to get married, Sudan! How could you! You tease me! This was just a pity dance at sophomore year homecoming! I kept reading again anyway because I am self-hating. Like that Lit song.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up."

Oh wait. I see what you are doing there Sudan! You are trying to get me to laugh so I can begin to open up and accept love into my heart! A thousand thank yous!

WHY 22 IS THE END: WE OBSESS OVER OUR HOROSCOPES

My neighborhood has an unusually high amount of storefronts for psychics. The only thing that prevents me from going in is the fact that it would seem "sad" if I went alone. Not the fact that I want to see a psychic. Then you could tell people you went at as a joke if they find out. Sort of like seeing "Bride Wars" with your gay BFF instead of seeing it alone with one of those tiny packs of tissues your grandma always carries in her purse.

Anypathetic, kf and I follow our horoscope (we are both Taureans) religiously even though we know that the EXACT SAME THINGS never happen to the both of us during the same day, week, or month. We sit at work insisting that we will both find true love AND be promoted this week, all the while not dating anyone and not doing anything about how disgruntled we are between 10 AM and 7 PM. When the horoscope has nothing to do with what is going on in our lives whatsoever, we insist the sun signs have shifted and are in fact Gemini, because the week was totally shitty for Geminis.

PREDICTION: Soon enough, on a Sunday afternoon when once of us is catching The Craft on TBS for the 38th time, we will end up checking out spell books from the library. Hopefully we will at that point become totally embarrassed, explain to the librarian that we were really just trying to research Salem, Massachusetts, and delete ourselves from the ivillage.com daily horoscope email list. Hopefully. Unless those spells totally work.

STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING: KOALAS ARE DYING

You've now seen it all: an Australian firefighter quenching the thirst of a dehydrated Koala.

ps. these Australian fires are FRIGHTENING. Thank God I live in Los Angeles.

PAJAMA GRAM: FEEL UNSEXY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

While watching the Westminster Dog Show this evening, I incurred some pretty bizarre Valentine's commercials. Many advertisers did their damnedest to win over the most brain dead of men to buy the stupidest and most disgustingly unsexiest of shit for their wife.

The worst? Pajama Gram.

The site was boasted on the commercial to be a "sexy" Valentine's alternative but, upon visiting the site, it seems that Pajama Gram was created to foster anger in the hearts of many Valentine's Day participants. Whereas Victoria's Secret seeks to kindle erotic flames this Valentine's, Pajama Gram aims to spark heat in suburban rec rooms between couples who have given up on

 sexual practices since 1989. Lets look at some sexy looks from Pajama Gram and who they are intended for:

Ruby Velour Gown

For the Renaissance Fair enthusiast. She also will probably wear this going out with a crown she made from tin foil.

"Insomniacs Do It At Night" Pajamas for Men

For the man who is an active sleeper and not actually an insomniac. This look is more of a warning: it should say "Rapists Attack while you sleep."

Crossword Pajamas for Men & Women

For the couple with that spelling fetish. Please Note: A good husband always steps on his wife's right foot (so says the NYT Sunday Crossword).

Besides these beauts, the site disturbingly extends well beyond the extent of giving to a girlfriend or boyfriend: there are pajamas for "the family." Please note the beautiful photoshopping:

"Daddy's Little Valentine" Pajamas for Toddlers

For the pervy father. No explanation needed.

Mommy and Me Fatigued Pajamas

For Shannon Elizabeth and her kids.

Red Dropseat Pajamas for the Whole Family

For the family that hates each other and thinks "bonding" happens simply by wearing matching clothes. Does that work? Well, the dog won't look at the camera, the little boy is nearing a hysteric fit, and the black one is preparing to run away. So, yes, it works wonders.

Mommy and Me Stewart Plaid Coordinating Pajamas

For the woman who just doesn't understand how to use her whore pills.

These jewels are just scratching the surface. Pajama Gram also covers such "night time items" like slippers, bath and body items, 3X items, and--of course--Get Well Pajamas, since nothing says "get well soon" like a nightgown that looks like it belongs on the corpse of your female character from Oregon Trail. 

Pajama Gram is a depressing exercise in Valentine's frugality. If you want to be "cute" or "funny" Valentine's gift this Saturday--just get them a Snuggie. Everyone else is.