PAJAMA GRAM: FEEL UNSEXY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

While watching the Westminster Dog Show this evening, I incurred some pretty bizarre Valentine's commercials. Many advertisers did their damnedest to win over the most brain dead of men to buy the stupidest and most disgustingly unsexiest of shit for their wife.

The worst? Pajama Gram.

The site was boasted on the commercial to be a "sexy" Valentine's alternative but, upon visiting the site, it seems that Pajama Gram was created to foster anger in the hearts of many Valentine's Day participants. Whereas Victoria's Secret seeks to kindle erotic flames this Valentine's, Pajama Gram aims to spark heat in suburban rec rooms between couples who have given up on

 sexual practices since 1989. Lets look at some sexy looks from Pajama Gram and who they are intended for:

Ruby Velour Gown

For the Renaissance Fair enthusiast. She also will probably wear this going out with a crown she made from tin foil.

"Insomniacs Do It At Night" Pajamas for Men

For the man who is an active sleeper and not actually an insomniac. This look is more of a warning: it should say "Rapists Attack while you sleep."

Crossword Pajamas for Men & Women

For the couple with that spelling fetish. Please Note: A good husband always steps on his wife's right foot (so says the NYT Sunday Crossword).

Besides these beauts, the site disturbingly extends well beyond the extent of giving to a girlfriend or boyfriend: there are pajamas for "the family." Please note the beautiful photoshopping:

"Daddy's Little Valentine" Pajamas for Toddlers

For the pervy father. No explanation needed.

Mommy and Me Fatigued Pajamas

For Shannon Elizabeth and her kids.

Red Dropseat Pajamas for the Whole Family

For the family that hates each other and thinks "bonding" happens simply by wearing matching clothes. Does that work? Well, the dog won't look at the camera, the little boy is nearing a hysteric fit, and the black one is preparing to run away. So, yes, it works wonders.

Mommy and Me Stewart Plaid Coordinating Pajamas

For the woman who just doesn't understand how to use her whore pills.

These jewels are just scratching the surface. Pajama Gram also covers such "night time items" like slippers, bath and body items, 3X items, and--of course--Get Well Pajamas, since nothing says "get well soon" like a nightgown that looks like it belongs on the corpse of your female character from Oregon Trail. 

Pajama Gram is a depressing exercise in Valentine's frugality. If you want to be "cute" or "funny" Valentine's gift this Saturday--just get them a Snuggie. Everyone else is.