YOU HAD ME THERE FOR A MINUTE, SUDAN

A thrill came over me when I first read that Sudan was urging a boycott of Valentine's Day. Finally, I thought. A beacon of light through the rain made of tears of single people everywhere. I thought the only hope I had this year was that the day before Valentine's Day is Friday the 13th and hope something terrible happened to every one of my peers who was shoving their 8 dozen roses in my face. But alas, I had to go ahead and ruin it by reading the rest of the article.

"The money that is spent on Valentine's Day would be better spent encouraging
young people to marry."

Really, Sudan? I thought you were on my side! Marriage is the last thing I want to think about when Valentine's Day rolls around. There are already plenty of people encouraging me to marry over here in America. I'm looking at you, Grandma. And producers of Who's Wedding is It Anyway, Bridezilla, My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding, Say Yes to the Dress, etc etc etc. You paralyze me in bed on Sunday afternoons. I can only get up to get ice cream.

And then, Sudan, after that dagger to my icy heart, I learned that you FORCED SOMEONE TO MARRY A GOAT BECAUSE THEY HAD SEX WITH IT. Not even you really want me to get married, Sudan! How could you! You tease me! This was just a pity dance at sophomore year homecoming! I kept reading again anyway because I am self-hating. Like that Lit song.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up."

Oh wait. I see what you are doing there Sudan! You are trying to get me to laugh so I can begin to open up and accept love into my heart! A thousand thank yous!