DATE ACTIVITIES FROM SUITE101.COM: "SUMMARIZATION PHOTOS"

Go ahead and laugh: I was Googling date activities yesterday at work. The results were not exciting and didn't actually shine any light on actual "date activities." But, I did find a strange alternate internet universe called Suite101.com, a strange online networking site for writers. The reason that Google directed me here is that it was like a bizarre sort of--how do I put this?--dating activities mecca for retards.

The site's search results for "Date Activities" brings you to a collection of stellar advice and suggestion articles for things to do on dates. The catch here is that if you read and follow the site's advice, clearly you should not be dating in the first place. But, the advice isn't the real winner here: it's the accompanying photos meant to "illustrate" the idea and drive the main idea home--a sort of "summarization" photo, if you will.

Dating Homework/Things To Help You Date With Ease

I read these articles and while feeling both pathetic and enlightened, I was most turned-off by the portrayal of "the single person" and "the single life" in these photos. What? Are all single persons women? Do they live these idyllic shells of lives but have hollow innards that echo "Touch me. Just once: touch me"? Actually, I'm not going to dive into that question because I'm realizing it hits--how do you say?--too close to home.

First Date Do's and Dont's

Immediate reaction: "God, kissing on the first date? What a fucking slut."

Secondary reaction: "Homegirl, your forehead goes forever."

Tertiary reaction: "DO. NOT. WANT."

First Date Conversations to Avoid

Now this article was something that I felt was the most useful because, if you don't abide by them, you probably will come off as a crazy. And, as a person who went on a first date last week, I highly recommend your following this article's advice. Even the photo for this one does a good job glaring at you, judging you for bringing up the fact that you are circumcised and prefer other circumcised men and that your last boyfriend felt the same way and thats how you guys initially bonded but he broke your heart because he was kind of crazy. I'm glad I didn't do that on my first date last week. Phew.

Date Ideas From A - Z

Out of all 26 options of things to do, an arcade is the top pick. I'm not sure if that's because A = #1 to some people or if the writer is a gamer, but some other gems were nature walks, treasure hunts, and--my favorite--hayrides. That got me thinking: the last time I went on a hayride was when I lived in Kansas in the 5th grade and I went on a hayride birthday party on a farm and the only thing I remember is that at the end of the party they blasted "Macarena" in a barn and I did the Macarena on top of a picnic table and some girls were yelling "Wow, I like the way he does the Macarena" and I replied "Thanks, I'm hispanic." A hayride would be a good date.

Date Ideas Under 5 Dollars

Unless "playing with leaves" was being done outside of the Vermont mountain home that my husband or boyfriend were to buy me, then this the shittiest date idea because I would much rather buy a bottle of Andre and vomit on my boyfriend for fun than do this shite. Call me a prude but playing with leaves: retarded.

I don't exactly know if my experience with Suite101.com has been a good or bad one for my dating career but I do know this: writers do not know anything about dating. Advice columns: poppycock (that sounds like a cheap date activity. HRRRM.).